Tips for Handling the Holidays With Grace While TTC

Tis the season. Thanksgiving in the US and the winter holidays bring families and friends together for celebration, reflection, and festivities.

For those who are struggling with life looking different than they’d hoped or expected at this time of year, the ability to participate in a festive celebration may just not be there.

How do I know that you're probably struggling in this season? And how do I know that you'll one day feel like yourself again and be celebrating this season, albeit maybe in a different way than you expect?

I know because I've been in your shoes and I can recall the dread of the fake smile, the white lie about when I'll have kids, make my mom a grandma, or why I opted out of sugar/gluten/coffee/wine. I know the frantic timing to give a quick hug to the cousin who just shared her pregnancy news and scramble to the bathroom before my tears became obvious.

I know the stress of wondering if anyone will notice that I’m not drinking alcohol at the company party and, worse, if they’ll give a “knowing” look assuming I’m pregnant.

I know the tears that come from remembering this time last year when I was so, so, so certain by this time next year our baby would be here or, at least, I’d be pregnant.

If this is where you are today and this season - please hear this: You will not be here forever. Even one year can make a BIG difference.

In the meantime, here are some ideas of how you can take care of YOU this season:

Share your struggle in some way that releases the stress and helps you feel supported. Tell a friend, family member, connect with a fertility mentor, join an online community, or find a support group. You aren’t alone in this.
Create a "safe word" with your partner that clearly - but covertly - communicates "GET ME THE HECK OUT OF HERE!". Use this in any scenario where you’ll be together, with other people, and may need a quick exit from a conversation or the entire event. Use this one liberally.
Prepare some ready responses to the inevitable questions about your family plans. Share as much as you like, be as flip or snarky as you feel comfortable. You don’t owe anyone the details of your life if you aren’t comfortable sharing them. Some of my favorite responses were the really vague, “Oh, you know…sometime…<change the subject>” or “We’re working on it”, or “We’ll see.” All of these felt natural to me and answered the question while not ever divulging particulars. More ideas on how to respond to questions about when you’ll have kids are here from VeryWell Family.
Before big events, think through your likely pitfalls and arm yourself with a plan to handle them the way you WANT to. This preplan will help you feel in control during those tender moments.
Practice gratitude. Gratitude can change our perspective from lack to abundance. During this season of all seasons, it may help to focus on what you do have, what is working, the parts of your personality that make you awesome, and the little luxuries you have that make your days special or easier. Try starting your day noticing 5 things you're grateful for and end with 5 different ones. See what happens. (And if you want a deeper dive into a gratitude practice, sign up for my free 21-Day Gratitude Challenge.)
Indulge yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself to little (or big - why not!?) luxuries throughout the season. Carve out quiet time, fun time, retail therapy, laughter, and other delights that bring you joy and remind you of the big, abundant life you live.