Managing the "green-eyed monster"
Recently, I had a wicked visit from a “green-eyed monster.” Yep, even the fertility coach gets jealous. A friend had achieved something I really wanted and was basking in the accolades and success - as she should. And I was on the sidelines pretending to cheer but also feeling my guts getting eaten away.
It felt awful.
And it reminded me of the same feelings I had when we were struggling to conceive. Whenever someone else would have a pregnancy announcement, a baby shower, complain about her pregnancy or baby or toddler. Whenever there was a fuss over her, her symptoms, or a cute baby outfit. I was right back in that place - and it ached.
In this most recent experience of jealousy, I found myself quickly thinking nasty thoughts - about my friend and about myself. It wasn’t a good look.
I could feel myself slipping into anger, sadness, and self-pity. I couldn’t focus and was rude in my interactions with co-workers and family.
Does this sound familiar?
If so, I wanted to share the steps I took to turn this around:
Acknowledge the emotion. So often we want to stop uncomfortable emotions and repress them so they go away. Spoiler alert: they don’t. Instead, they often come back bigger and badder. So acknowledge the way you’re feeling. I was jealous. I wasn’t proud of it and I didn’t want to say it out loud, but I knew in my mind and my heart that I was feeling jealous. So I acknowledged it.
Identify the message the emotion is trying to convey. Our emotions are messengers - effectively neutral signals that tell us something important - and can be helpful motivators to change our behavior. When we have a difficult emotion - fear, envy, anger, sadness, guilt, and the like - we can sometimes get stuck in that feeling without understanding what it's actually trying to tell us. Fear is usually a signal that there’s perceived danger. Sadness can tell us we’re passionate about something we don’t have, but want. Jealousy can be a similar message - that we desire what another person has for our own lives and that it is achievable for us. I love the way this article from Positive Psychology talks about the benefit of jealousy.
Act and release. When I recognized that the jealousy I felt was about me wanting to achieve the same goals that my friend did, I could see it as a valid and reasonable emotion. And, taking it a step further, I began to think proactively about what it would take for me to accomplish the same. In this particular case, I would need to make considerable changes to my work philosophy, habits, mindset, and family life. For someone who is struggling to conceive, it may not be so straightforward as something to “do”...it may be more about finding acceptance and trust in your current path.
In my own example, when I started to think about what I would need to do to accomplish the same goal, I started to feel genuine delight and joy for my friend’s success. I was reminded of all of the effort she’d put into achieving this goal. This was no overnight success or accident. I reviewed my current philosophy, habits, mindset, and schedule and realized I was actually pretty confident that I was on track to meet MY goals. Not her goals. You see, her success will never be mine, nor does her success ever take away from mine.
Similarly, when TTC, you may find you are less jealous of people who struggled to conceive and then did so - because it can be easier to get to that place of hope and sense of achievability for your own life. Even in the cases of those “surprise” pregnancies, though, I would still argue a lot has to go RIGHT for this to ever happen. (I’m sure you’ve learned enough by now about human reproduction to agree that it's pretty remarkable any of us is here.)
In thinking through how you can act upon the message jealousy is presenting to you, make your plan, and then release the emotion. Let it move through you like a wave. Seek ways to turn your focus toward joy, love, gratitude - the aspects of your life that ARE working, that ARE on track, that ARE better than you ever imagined they could be. I love this 10-minute guided meditation from JFK Yoga to help release jealous emotions.
I hope my experience and example is helpful for you.
These steps are intended to be simple, but the work behind them isn’t necessarily so. Be gentle with yourself. Remember that the longer you’ve been on this journey, the potential to accumulate more and more difficult emotions is increased. Be patient and be kind to yourself.
My understanding of emotions as messengers and how to interpret their signals comes from my work as a Freedom Fertility Formula Specialist. To learn more about this particular method for overcoming the “downward cycle of despair” on your fertility journey, click here.
Questions to ask to answer the question, “How do I know I’m at the right fertility clinic?”